One Moment At A Time

The failure of this last cycle was unexpectedly hard to deal with. It left me feeling discouraged and depressed, feeling continually sad and weighed down. I've been struggling with how to come out of it and back to "normal," how to move on and find balance and flow for our days before we head back into all of it again. I felt disconnected from God, not having any desire to sit and have my daily "quiet time" with him, feeling spiritually numb for the most part. I knew that I needed this time, that I needed that connection of my spirit to his, so I did it anyway.
I read, "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,... And be thankful." (Col 3:15) Those words broke through the barrier that surrounded me and reminded me that, today, I have a choice. I can choose to stay where I am, in this grey heaviness that pins me down, or I can start choosing peace and thankfulness. I can choose joy. I can let go of the hurt and pain, or perhaps more accurately - I can work on prying its fingers one by one off of my soul.
As I grasped at this hope, I was simultaneously been tugged down, by the thoughts that this was too big, and I couldn't just walk away from it in this minute. It wasn't going to go away as easily as all that. The Holy Spirit responded, "No, but every moment, every minute, you can keep choosing. You can walk away one tiny step at a time. And when you stumble, I will still be here. It won't be failure, just another opportunity to try again."
As I moved on to the Psalms, chapter 84 mentions those in pilgrimage to Zion saying, "They go from strength to strength." So encouraging. It wasn't just one moment that carried them forward, one decision, one oasis, but as strength was depleted, it was replaced - a new word of encouragement, a new flare of hope, a new supply of energy.
So, today I choose to move forward, to rejoice in the hope given to me - the dark ache being lifted; I choose to find the things to be thankful for, to see his goodness around me. And in about ten minutes when I feel frustrated and discouraged, I'll choose it again.