Going Public

Ever since coming to this church, I've thought about sharing our story and asking them to pray for us. To pray for a miracle.
We heard a good handful of stories where the church had rallied around someone in need of healing, and God answered and healing happened. Our previous church had its strengths, but believing in miracles wasn't one of them. Healing wasn't something they did really. Here it's been known to happen and I wanted it.
Problem: First - I would have to actually share some pretty intimate information. Most people don't get up in front of crowds and tell them that they are currently trying to have a baby. Sharing just how many losses we've been through isn't easy either. It's hard to get away from the idea that people will view you as having something seriously wrong with you if you tell them you've lost six babies. Obviously, there is something wrong with you, but you don't necessarily want people to know that. Or to view you as broken somehow.
Second - I'd never stopped believing that God did miracles, that they still happen, but along this hard journey I'd come to a place where I had a lot of trouble believing that God did miracles for me. I mean, every single time we were here I prayed. Sometimes, I contacted all my areas of support and had them pray. It was always the same ending. A miracle healing was just not what God had in mind for me. But, believing that, or more accurately, not having the faith that God would do a miracle for me, how could I stand up and ask them to pray for one anyway?

I've come a very long way through all of this. I've been in a lot of different places with my faith and my relationship with God. Not that I'm in any way certain that God plans a miracle for me, but my trust in him and his love for me has grown.
As Aaron and I discussed and made plans to ttc again, this topic also came up. We talked about whether or not to share, and if so, how? Do we put it in the newsletter? Bulletin prayer requests? Or just get up there and put it all out on display? I was seriously tempted to hide behind the paper options. From what I know of my church, I wasn't worried about some of the horrendous responses I've heard friends of mine receive within their churches, but it's hard to know exactly what "kind" comments might come your way.
We felt that it really was time, that God was prompting us to ask for prayer, and I strongly felt that it should have the personal connection of sharing it all "face to face." So I called our pastor and told him what we wanted to do. After like an hour of working up the nerve just to make the phone call.
Now I had to figure out what I would say, how I would tell my entire church that I was currently... working to... have a baby...!!! What was I thinking?! This was insane. I couldn't do this. Seriously. I can't get up in front of a crowd and share these intimate details.
I spent some time praying(freaking out), and the verse about "bear one another's burdens" came to mind. I was reminded of all the times I'd heard about a Christian friend or family member that had been through a hard time and no one had really known about it. I would always get frustrated with them, wishing they had just shared so we could have been there for them, so we could have helped them. I knew God was telling me that it was my turn - I was supposed to be the one sharing our burden so others could help us bear it.
So I did. It wasn't easy, but I was granted a certain amount of peace as I got up there. I know my voice wavered as I spoke, that some of my weakness was revealed, but as we were surround by people who prayed over us, I knew that this was right. The Spirit was with us, and a tiny bit of healing happened to my spirit.
In the days following, we received voices of support from various friends and acquaintances and I know that many will continue to pray for us. I hope, if we go through another loss that we will be able to share and have some of the support we often wished for in those hard days. I'm so hoping that down the road a little we will be able to celebrate with all of these people.

Since we are currently moving on to the next cycle, I know it wasn't an instant healing. No big miracle happened, and I don't know what will happen down the road. While I hope for something that I can point to and say this was clearly an act of God, maybe some modern science will end up being the route he uses to grant us another child. Maybe, at the end of it, we won't have a baby at all. I don't know. I know that I am not alone, and I know that God continues to draw my heart to him, tiny step by tiny step through all of this crap and pain that the world holds for me.