What I'm Missing Out On

I think almost everyone who knows me has heard our latest pregnancy related news, but in case you haven't, go check this out first.

You gotta read it before you keep reading here. It will only take a second.

Ok?

A boy! Another amazing, wonderful boy. We know it's going to be fantastic and we're all looking forward to it, but have you noticed how often pain and joy hold hands? Yeah, I did say pain. I know a lot of people might be wondering what on earth I have to feel pain over at this point. I mean, I'm pregnant! Twenty weeks pregnant and carrying a beautiful little boy. This is a miracle, and I'm so grateful. I get a little nervous that someone might think I'm not grateful, because shouldn't I just be happy with that? I'm going to have a baby after all these losses. What have I got to be upset about? And I am grateful, and amazed, and in love with this little one, and none of that will change.
But I do have grief in the midst of all of this. I will never have a daughter.
Long before we knew for sure that we would have another child, Aaron and I knew that one more would be the end of the road for us. We had just about reached our heartache limit and if we were blessed enough to have another baby, we wouldn't put ourselves through the anxiety of trying, the pain of losses, or the stress of those highly tense beginning weeks of pregnancy after that. This is it for us.
We will be a two boy family, and it's great! I'm so glad that Dune will have a brother, one who will hopefully be a close friend as they get older. But he will never have the baby sister he was so hoping for. Aaron will never have a sweet baby girl to capture his heart, and I will never a dark and curly haired daughter to share everything feminine with. No fluffy tutus or sparkly fairy wings.
When I was pregnant for the very first time, Aaron and I were in a store one day and passed by this adorable, melt-your-heart, soo pretty, baby girl's dress. We stopped for a moment to "aww" over it and dream together about being able to buy something like it for our baby girl when we had one, maybe this baby. It was one of those moments that etches itself in your mind. We lost JJ shortly after, but that memory never left me and I always assumed that somewhere down the road would be my chance to buy that tiny piece of a dream for a daughter of my own.
Now I have to let go of that dream and grieve it, as I lay it at the feet of Jesus as I did so many babies. No, it's not the same kind of loss, but it's heartache all the same, and I cry over the daughter I will never have.
Please understand. Understand that I'm not unhappy to be carrying this precious boy. Understand that I thank God everyday for him. Understand that it's ok that I feel this way. It's ok that I'm sad to not have a girl. It's ok for me to see this as a loss and grieve it. I see families with sweet daughters. I know what I'm missing out on. I assume I will have daughter-in-laws down the road, maybe even granddaughters, and that will be wonderful, but it's not the same.
I told Dune that God knew what our family needed and I believe it, but I know he understands my sadness too.